Let me start by saying that when I say "family," of course I mean "Family" in the most traditional sense. But under that umbrella falls any configuration of one's intimate group of close people. If they are not your "Family" but are your "family" (your roommates, bff's, loved ones, work friends...) I will use that term for all intimate groups of people who care about each other, however that may look.
Also, for clarity, when I say "addict" I include those addicted to the legal liquid drug alcohol. Alcoholics ARE addicts, so please include them in your head when I say "addict."
So an addict goes into treatment and invariably a family member will say to me "What can I do to help?!" My answer is always something along the lines of "Get a program of recovery for YOU." At which point that almost always say something like "I am fine. I'm not the sick one/one with the problem/one who needs help." I'm sure that it feels like that, but trust me, the people close to the addict get as sick, IF NOT SICKER, than the addict. Wait...what?!!
Let's look at some of the behavior family people resort to to try to control the addict, including but not limited to hiding keys, hiding money, putting a GPS tracker on their car, driving past meetings/bars/street corners to see if they are high or drunk, lying to bosses, spouses, parents, probation officers, etc., bailing them out, jumping into the driver's seat if they get pulled over drunk driving. With all due respect, thats some pretty crazy (sick) behavior (and this is just the tip of the iceberg.)
It's an axiom of addiction recovery that most addicts do not get better because they "see the light," they get better because they FEEL THE HEAT. In other words, coming between an addict and the logical consequences of their actions, prolongs the addiction and puts off recovery. (Which is why I tell addicts to come for help because of a DUI/DW how lucky they are. They almost always get mad or at least annoyed but if they stay clean and sober they will get it.).
So, in a nutshell, the addict is addicted to their drug of choice and the close person / codependent/ (what they used to call the "near-addict") is addicted to the addict's insanity and trying to control it. (Good luck with that; it's like trying to control the weather.) Let me hasten to add that the family member is well-intentioned and trying to help. Its a knee-jerk human reaction to do what is our version of "help." (This is especially true of parents; when your kid is in trouble it is incredibly counter-intuitive to not "help.")
You may not see your behavior as sick or crazy right off, but if you get a little professional help and attend some 12-step meetings for loved ones (like Nar-Anon or Al-Anon) you will start to see it and your behavior will start to change.
I'll be talking about this and all related subtopics in other blog posts, but for now...you need help too. You really can't sit over on the side kicking back while THEY recover. Addicts' behavior is insane and you stay close. If a stranger off the street stole your car or money or vomitted on your couch or bounced checks you'd see that behavior for the craziness it is. Its just as crazy when your addict does it, but you are automatically making excuses for them..which helps no one. Besides, if they recover and you stay sick you'll be dangerous for their recovery.
